Words matter. You want to keep yourself on the same side of the table as your clients. For example, rather than saying something like “I look forward to talking to you,” say “I look forward to speaking with you.” These subtle differences help your clients know that you are on their team.

We also want to be careful to use sensitivity and avoid bias language. When I first started in the business, I made a mistake during a fact finder, and I asked a client, “How old are your parents?” The answer was a very irritated “My parents are dead!” Obviously, a hot button for this client. Since then, I’ve learned to first ask, “Are your parents still living?”

While it’s certainly not a trigger for everybody, asking in a more sensitive way has allowed me to uncover pain points, earn sympathy and compassion, and connect with people. Something as trivial and benign as “Do you have children?” can be really triggering for someone who’s been trying unsuccessfully to have a child for years or has recently miscarried. It can also be really irritating for those people who have consciously chosen not to have children and are just tired of people asking them about it. It doesn’t mean we don’t ask; it just means we want to watch our tone and our language. Look for signs that there is more under the surface, and make sure that when you are reacting, react with compassion and not judgment.

When it comes to bias language, an example might be, rather than asking “What’s the name of your husband or your wife?” ask “What’s the name of your spouse?” I have a lot of same-sex clients, and they’ve always really appreciated the fact that I don’t automatically assume that they are married to someone of a different gender. This is especially important in today’s day and age. We don’t always know what we are saying while we are saying it. I would recommend recording yourself while you are doing some of your meetings and ask someone to listen to it and give you feedback on where you might approach some things differently with your language.

You also want to listen to the feedback that your clients are giving you; although, I will tell you this works better for your strengths than your weaknesses. Most people don’t want to tell you your weaknesses, at least not to your face. I’m always tweaking what I do a little bit to try to get better. At some point, I started to notice I was getting the same four comments over and over, and it was around the same time that the number of people asking me to help with other areas of their financial world started to skyrocket, so I knew I was onto something.

The first thing I heard was that I was passionate about what I did, and that’s because I love it. I may have the same conversation during enrollment 15 times in one day, but I want everyone to feel like they are the first and the only ones. I want everyone to get my best. This may come as a surprise to some people, but insurance is not the most exciting topic of conversation to most people. However, I feel like it’s my responsibility to add some personality and humor into it. It may not be the most exciting topic, but it is an important one, and I want to keep their attention.

The next thing I hear is that I know my stuff. Now, don’t get me wrong; there’s a lot I don’t know, and I am always trying to continuously learn and get better at what I do. But I love it when clients ask me a question I don’t know the answer to because it means I’m going to learn something new. I never try to pretend I know something that I don’t. Instead, I will say something like “Wow! That’s a great question. I’ve never been asked that before. I think the answer is X, but the insurance company, investment company, government, whoever is always changing things. And I want to get you the most up-to-date answer and the answer that’s specific to you and your situation, so let me find out and get back to you.” Instead of being annoyed that I don’t know the answer off the cuff, they are so appreciative that I’m doing all this extra legwork on their behalf.

It makes them know that I care about them, and that’s a third thing I hear. They can tell that I really care, and you can’t fake this one. I do have colleagues who like to do research on people before meeting for the first time, and that can work. However, it can also lead to a bias on the part of the advisor toward the clients before ever even meeting them. I’ve also seen it lead to some conversations that were honestly quite forced and sometimes downright creepy. Just ask genuine questions. People like to talk about themselves, and you should share about yourself as well. Just make sure that the vast majority of the time you are talking about them and not you.

The last thing I hear from my clients is they say that I explain things in a way that they can understand. At the beginning of working with someone, I always tell them, “I don’t presume to know what you do or don’t know, so I’m going to err on the side of being more basic, and if you know something, just scoop me along.” This, again, takes the pressure off. They don’t have to posture that they know things and pretend and nod without having any clue what you are saying. They can just sit back and learn.

I also make sure when I’m talking to clients that I use the words “most people” a lot. Everyone wants to know what their peers are doing. It’s also a great way to narrow down choices because sometimes people are just paralyzed with all the choices. So, I will say something like “Most people do X, Y or Z, but we can customize it however you like.” It shouldn’t be any surprise that most people end up doing X, Y or Z.

You also need to make sure that you have multiple ways to explain things. I do find that most people learn best when stories are used to illustrate the concepts. However, not everyone learns the same way, so you do have to have other ways to explain things, and I will tell you this is probably the No. 1 thing that is going to make someone want to work with you on other areas of their financial world.

The last point is that you want to follow up and provide good service. If you say you are going to do something, do it. On enrollments, I might meet with people one time, and they might not be eligible again for a few years. I still reach out every single year to see if they want to review what they have and how it works. Even if they don’t meet with me, that consistency builds trust. And when we do meet again, all of a sudden they are married, they have kids, they’ve gotten a promotion, they’ve inherited money, and they are ready to do their planning. And who are they going to want to use? That person who has consistently been in front of them. It doesn’t even have to be you doing the reaching out. It could be someone from your office on your behalf. They just like to know that they are on your radar even when you are not on theirs.

Jennifer P. Mann, CFP, MBA, is a 17-year MDRT member with one Court of the Table qualification and a vice president in the Chicago office of Lenox Advisors. She primarily works with high-net-worth families and executives to develop integrated solutions in the areas of estate planning, retirement planning, insurance planning, wealth management, college funding and employee benefits. She is an active member of industry organizations NAIFA and Finseca.